Being a mommy

There is something I don't tell many people and I've realized that maybe it's something I should be telling people...soo....

Before I met Ben I had this... lets call it a feeling... that I would not be able to have children, so I had pretty much just written it off and decided that I just didn't want kids. And Ben had already come to terms with the fact that he might not have children (due to something his patriarchal blessing says). So we were prepared to not be parents. Then the week after we were married I received my patriarchal blessing and when I heard the words "you will be blessed to be a mother in Zion" I nearly fell off my chair. When I received the written copy I still couldn't believe it. There it was, a promise straight from my Heavenly Father that I would be a mom.
So, needless to say, the emotions I felt when we found out we were pregnant with Chloie were VERY mixed. Especially since it was an accident (I was on birth control). As the pregnancy progressed I became increasingly depressed (oddly enough). How in the world was I expected to be a mom? I had no idea how to be a mom! I was terrified. And Ben's fears came off as uninterested and absent. Which made for one CRAZY me... That is until the second Chloie was born.
Something in me changed the moment they put her in my arms. All of my irrational fears were calmed. All of the sudden I was ready, I wasn't scared. That first night (even with all the medication they were giving me) I couldn't sleep, I just sat in the hospital bed holding my baby, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was PERFECT.
The first 3 months being a mom I was ALONE. I had my amazing mother in law with me for the first few days but after that I was on my own. Ben would leave at 6am and wouldn't come home til after 10pm, then he was out for the night. So I spent A LOT of time bonding with my baby.
Those first few months were the hardest, yet, most wonderful months of my life. (so far)

I am grateful for my daughter, more then anyone could ever know. I would not trade the fits, messes, and all her (inherited) attitude for anything. And although I do need to vent sometimes about the more difficult days (rip my own hair out because I'm so frustrated kinda days)  She is the best thing that has EVER happened to me. She changed my life, has made me a less selfish person. I LOVE being her mommy, more then anything!


That being said...
Lately I have a lot of time... again.
Ben is working CONSTANTLY, which is really not a bad thing, just makes for a lonely and bored me.
I've run out of things to do. Sad, right? My house is clean all I have to do is make beds and wash the occasional dirty dish. So the past few days I've spent my spare time (Chloie's nap time) organizing all of Chloie's newborn and 0-3 month clothes for our next little addition.
As I was going through them I found the outfit I brought her home in. It was a preemie outfit and looks to small for her dolls and found myself tearing up as I folded it. I cannot believe how quickly the past 21 months have flown by. Chloie is not the little baby I brought home, she is her own little person. FULL of personality. She makes me smile when I don't feel like smiling. It amazes me everyday how much I love her. I do not remember life before her and I cannot imagine it with out her.
Being pregnant with a second child brings on a whole new set of fears, I worry that I won't love this next one as much as I love Chloie (which I know is irrational) I worry that I won't be able to have the energy for two kids, that Chloie will resent the new baby who is taking up her mommy's time. I worry that I won't have the time or energy to spend time with my husband, I worry that I could die in child birth and leave two little girls and my husband behind.
And the pregnancy nightmares do not help.
But I know that, just like last time, the second they put this little girl in my arms my fears will be diminished.
I am so grateful for the chance to be a mother (again), that my Heavenly Father trusts me with these two little girls is amazing.